Dear Mom #3

 Dear Mom,

    I find it amusing that you sent me a letter about how much you love me, mere days after sending me verbally abusive texts about made up bank charges intended to manipulate me into speaking to you. You told me you loved me, that I'm the most important person in your life, and that you want to know what went wrong in our relationship.

    The problem is, you know. You're just looking for an easier to digest reason for it. There's a part of you that knows, but just wants to beat me down until I go back to ignoring it and pretending everything is okay. You want to hear something more palatable, that would be fixed with a simple false apology and maybe a gift.

    But you know. We've had many conversations about it in the past. You just don't want to hear it. When I was still a teenager, we had one very long, in-depth conversation about every form of abuse you allowed to happen to me and participated in. During this conversation, you cried with me, and I really believed that we were getting somewhere. The second day, you turned on me and blamed me for all of the abuse. You shamed me for daring to see a problem with the things you two put me through. I cried for days after this and the cruel words you said to me are permanently burned into my brain. That was when I realized that you and I can't ever have a normal relationship - nor have we ever had a normal relationship, no matter how "close" you think we were when I was younger.

    At the time, I thought you were a fellow victim of my terrible dad. It didn't occur to me until much later that you're just as responsible for everything as he was. And it didn't occur to me until very recently that you were there when much of it happened - I pushed a lot of those memories to the back of my mind from a very young age, because it really hurts to have to accept that your own mother let someone abuse you and abused you herself. You stood by and did nothing. You were a co-abuser, you were his partner in crime, you are every bit as rotten as he is. You knew about all of it, and even your brief moment of empathy towards me on that one day was fake.

    You failed me on every possible level that a mother can fail her own child. Nothing that happened can just be left in the past. There aren't excuses for any of it. You were my first bully - your backhanded comments tore down my self-esteem and put nasty ideas about myself in my head from as early as I can remember. You never protected me from evil people - you blamed me for things that a grown man did to me starting from when I was a literal baby. You made me apologize to him because I dared to tell him that I don't want to be touched or spoken to in certain ways. You repeatedly let him endanger my life with his violent behavior and alcoholism. You've told me before that I'm just being difficult, unpleasant, and "playing tough guy" when I stood up for myself - because you didn't think I was worth standing up for. Need I go on? Because I could write for days about everything that you allowed, but I don't need to, because you know.

    You have walked over ever single boundary I've ever tried to establish - what did you think would happen? I've spent the last decade telling you that my dad won't be allowed near me or my children. Yet, when I was pregnant, you kept telling me about how excited he is to be a grandfather. You insisted on him visiting me in the hospital after I had my daughter. And when I told you "no" to this for the last time, you dared to say "well, as long as you and I have a good relationship!". As if you could wash your hands from everything you helped him do to me. As if it was possible to have a good relationship with someone who enabled all of this. You looked at me like I was crazy for telling you that I don't want a man who used to molest me to hold my newborn daughter or be in her life at all.

    Clearly, you don't think any of this is a big deal. You fail to see the severity of what you've allowed to happen and directly participated in, which means that you lack the proper judgment to ever be around a child. I really wish there was a way to convey to you how terrifying it is that there are people in this world who think it's okay for a child to grow up the way I did. Alcoholism, violence, porn addiction, infidelity, verbal abuse, physical abuse, molestation, criminal behavior, manipulation, daily suicide threats... you think this is all fine for a child to witness and experience. That it can all just be left in the past and forgotten about. You think it's normal. Lord have mercy. This alone is proof that you are a lost cause. I don't believe anyone is truly beyond redemption, but you're as close as I've ever seen to it.

    Do you know what real mothers do? Let me tell you a story. I know a woman who had a child in her early 20's. She found out that her husband at the time had a mistress, so she left him. Her second husband raped her in front of her toddler son, so she left him. She worked overtime to be able to provide for him as a single mother. They couldn't afford many toys or luxurious things when he was small, but today, they are both old and have a great relationship, because she did the right thing. Children hardly remember the material things you give them, but they remember how you made them feel. He always knew he could rely on her and that she would protect him. He grew up knowing that he has worth as a human being and that his mother would do anything to ensure his safety. What she did was mothering. Mothering is about more than providing a child with the bare minimum for their survival, which is all you ever did for me. I reckon you'd probably have done even less for me if it was legal to do so.

    Now, I have to do the opposite of what you did. I would rather die than let my daughter experience even one day of my childhood. When she was born, I fell completely in love with her - she looks just like me. I realized that at one point, you held a baby just like her in your arms... and then you let all of this happen. How could you? My love for my daughter quickly turned into disgust towards you. Every shred of sympathy I had for you and every pathetic excuse I conjured up for your behavior was gone. As a mother, I can't forgive you. I can't understand you. I can only leave you in the past, to prevent you from hurting another innocent little girl.

    I think a lot about your relationship with your own mother. Your childhood was even worse than mine, and your mother was a complete monster. Yet, you won't hear a single criticism of her. You're in your 50's and still pathetically obsessed with her validation. You refuse to let yourself accept that your upbringing was terrible and that your parents failed you. And I know that this is what you wanted for me, too. This is why you constantly enabled my relationships with abusive men, and immediately hated my husband as soon as you realized that he truly loved me and cared for me. You wanted me to fall into the same disgusting cycle of abuse and dysfunction that you did. And you're angry at me because I was strong enough to get out and do better.

    I don't think you love me, and I think that the only important person in your life is yourself. Words are cheap. Your actions have always said otherwise. What I have now is real love - you've been very open about how much you resent the people who are in my life now, and you've insulted them plenty. You would get angry if I even mentioned their names. But what they've given me is a part of why I can't ever look back. I am truly, unconditionally loved by imperfect, but morally good people. People who think that I'm valuable, and they treat me accordingly. They don't have to tell me they love me - they show it. The longer I'm with my husband, my daughter, my church family, and my friends... the more I wonder how I even survived my childhood and the more I see what all I missed out on. It breaks my heart that I went almost 25 years without ever really being loved and cared for.

    No one wants to self-orphan. It's not natural. Children are born with an immense sense of love and trust towards their parents, and it takes a lot for these feelings to change. And to be honest, they are still there - I'm still very drawn to you. I miss you every day. But I know that reason must prevail and I can't decide with my feelings. I gave you chance after chance, and you wasted all of them. I couldn't go on like this for the rest of my life. Breaking contact with you was by far the hardest decision I've ever had to make. But I had to make it, because I have a child to protect from evil, malicious people now. No matter how much I just want my mommy some days - I have to recognize that the mommy my heart desires is not real. She never was.

    If you want back into my life, there are a few things that you must do: Take accountability for your actions. Give me a genuine apology where you recognize what you did wrong, and why it was wrong, without blaming me for any of it. Go to therapy. File a police report about my dad molesting me and the other abuse he put me through, as well as his illegal pornography collection. Testify truthfully - even about the things you did to allow these literal crimes to happen. Accept that your actions have consequences - even if you don't like those consequences, and even if they last a lifetime. And maybe then you'll get a phone call or eventually even a supervised visit in a public place. But what you've done truly is so bad that things can never go back to how they used to be, no matter what you do.

    But you won't do any of it. We both know you won't. You want the easy way out, but there is no easy way out. You will have to rot in misery with my dad for the rest of your life. But I want no part in it anymore.