And you'd think that if someone saw their adult child leave an abuser, they'd be supportive and even happy about this - but not my mom. I frequently saw her go back and forth between some sort of unconscious support and full-blown shaming. I think that deep down inside, there was a part of her that was at least somewhat in touch with what a healthy reaction to her adult child leaving an abuser would be - but she had to stomp it down, for her own ego's sake, and instead generally expressed disapproval of my choice. It hurt and confused me. I didn't understand why she wanted me to continue being miserable, overworked, neglected, and abused, in a situation that I didn't really want to be in in the first place. My dad had a similar set of opinions - "Have you tried reaching out to him? It's the least you could do after what you did to that poor boy". It stung that neither of them cared what was done to me, but they were the ones who helped it all happen, and it wasn't the first (or last) time they joyfully took the side of someone who hurt me.
Years later, I married - this is what I consider my real first marriage, because I was an adult making a decision of my own free will, free from anyone else's influence, and he really is my first love. We currently have a happy life together, a house, and a child. I initially had to hide this marriage from my parents, partly because I told him everything that my parents did to me. He never wanted to meet people as rotten as them, and I knew they'd ask. When my mom finally found out about him, she said "What are you going to do when you get tired of this one? Throw him away just like you did the last one?" - completely devoid of any empathy for the fact that the first one was only happened due to literal coercion and that the reason I left was actual, full-blown abuse. She had convinced herself that I just "got tired" of him, for no good reason - it was DARVO. Suddenly, my abuser was the victim, and I was some evil harpy who was "throwing away" perfectly good men.
My husband's grandma lived with us for a couple of months after we bought our house. She had been divorced twice and struggled financially, which my mom had some strong opinions on. "That's why you shouldn't get divorced, so you don't end up like her!". My mom said this as if she was offering wisdom that no one had ever thought of before. She had no questions about why my husband's grandma was divorced twice, it hadn't occurred to her at all that perhaps the men were abusive or just weren't fit for marriage, but the shaming came so effortlessly. There's a subtle implication here: "Marriage isn't for happiness or lifelong partnership, it's for financial stability - you're stupid if you value happiness or lifelong partnership over financial stability". Ironically, I know that at least one of the divorces occurred due to habitual financial irresponsibility on the man's part.
I could go in depth about all of the other random, off-hand comments that my parents have made where they shamed divorcees - particularly women. They very much operated under the assumption that a divorce is primarily a woman's fault, she always could have tried harder or overlooked a few things she didn't like. More often than not, men were the "victims" of divorce, even in situations where the man's behavior was the reason for the divorce. Women had to carry their cross and much of their value was tied to "keeping a man" and endlessly sacrificing herself for her husband, even if he was an all-around terrible and useless person. The husband and wife were even meant to stick together through affairs, which my parents viewed as entirely normal.
For a long time, my parents blamed this on their culture - supposedly, divorce is socially unacceptable in rural Slavic villages. To a small degree, this is true. However, most people from those cultures simply view marriage as a very serious and permanent bond and divorce as a tragedy, while also being able to exercise basic sympathy and empathy for the victims of things like adultery, abuse, and crippling levels of incompatibility. I found nothing but support and understanding in my church full of Slavic people after I had to leave and annul an abusive situation. But in my parents' eyes, I was being a rebellious Americanized twerp for thinking that divorce is often the best possible outcome for certain marriages. This is just another form of projection - it's much easier to blame my supposed rejection of my cultural roots for my developing attitudes about marriage and divorce that they find uncomfortable.
My suspicion is that it's the real self vs. the false self, especially with my mom. I know she is deeply miserable in her marriage - even though she doesn't openly say this, it's glaringly obvious from how she speaks and behaves. I watched a video by Dr. Ramani last night, where she made the point that a lot of why narcissists behave so poorly is because they carry around a lot of shame, and instead of coping with it in a healthy way, they lash out and become increasingly miserable. There were a few occasions where my mom expressed support towards women who got divorced, usually when things were particularly rough between her and my dad, and she was able to briefly put aside her intense jealousy and malice towards others - that was her real self, I think. The one that can admit that she's miserable, and that she wishes she could be like the women who leave men like my dad.
I sensed that the shaming and blaming that my mom put me through after I left my abuser was primarily rooted in jealousy, as much as I hate to say it - "how dare you do something that I was always too cowardly to do". I could tell that she was angered by the fact that my eyes were opened to the possibility of women leaving bad men, and I was not as stuck as they always told me I was. I was no longer going to sit there and accept excuses for her refusal to leave an even worse man, nor was I going to let her repeatedly slander divorcees. When I met my husband, her resentment grew - not only did I leave a terrible man, but I was now able to pursue a truly healthy and loving relationship, something she knows that she will never experience as long as she keeps up the act of "divorce is always bad and you need to stick out a miserable marriage no matter what".
And what does my mom gain from all of this? I know what my dad gains - a woman who expects very little from him, who thinks he put the stars in the sky, and who is too emotionally crippled, prideful, and scared to leave him. Not scared of anything legitimate, like retaliation - but scared of the fact that "it'll look bad", and scared of the idea of having to rely on herself instead of his paycheck. His paycheck was always the most important thing, far more important than her own child's safety and dignity. His ability to provide was always the primary reason why criticizing him in any way was absolutely forbidden, it was the ultimate excuse for any poor, abusive, and outright dangerous behavior. So, I suppose she thinks that him making just above minimum wage is worth her dignity and a lifelong, miserable, unfulfilling marriage.
I honestly don't get it, and I'm just theorizing at this point. I also think that she's dug herself into such a deep hole by being married to him for nearly 30 years, that she'll say anything to justify to herself that she should stay, so she doesn't feel like she's wasted three decades on a bad man and made a terrible mistake. She has said in the past, "what would become of him if I left?" - he's quite good at using his weaponized incompetence and boohooing about his childhood to manipulate others into feeling bad for him. I suppose this is related to the time after I finally broke free from my own abuser, and my mom said that I need to fly up every month to take care of that disgusting groomer, who manipulated me into a marriage, and made my life a living hell for several years - "if you don't, he'll die, and it'll be all your fault! You know he can't take care of himself!". She definitely has some very dysfunctional ideas about what marriage is supposed to be like, and a serious problem with boundaries.
But no matter how much she looks down on the people, specifically women, who leave bad marriages, they did the right thing and she knows it. I know it tears her up inside that I got an annulment, that I recognized the abuse for what it was, that I don't feel guilty for what I did, and that I'm happily married to a good man now. She knows that my experiences make it impossible for her to try to tell me "I can't, what would happen if I did, it's not possible, it's wrong". After this era in my life, conversations about my dad and their marriage became increasingly awkward - she ran out of coping mechanisms and manipulative tactics to convince me that I was a bad person with bad ideas, and it frequently set off her narcissistic rage. She knew I looked down on her for staying with my dad - how could I not? Eventually, her only excuse was the most basic one: everything that she doesn't like, doesn't understand, and doesn't want to do is "for stupid people", divorce included. The grapes are sour anyway, right?
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